To fight FUD I have to continue with a positive mindset. That is not as bad as the Dark Depression. I think for the time being, I use the Nicotine Gum as my crutch. I am on Paliperidone, a dopamine antagonist. That is the main problem. The medication is worse than the illness. Because it blocks my natural production of dopamine, I am on an even keel most of the time. The med makes me feel hollow. I am ennui to joy and happiness unless I offset the dopamine void with a protagonist like nicotine. If I smoke dope, that is even worse. Dope makes me crazy. My problem is my body cannot regulate the dopamine fluctuation. Either it is too much or too little. Too much, I get into mania, too little I become depressed. I hope by having regular exercise, I can taper the affective effect of my mood.
Why does this happen to me? I had a successful career and a bright future. The illness robbed me of a life I rightfully deserved. Unfortunately, that was taken from me when I pledged to be the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier. What did I do wrong? I did everything right. I prayed, I fasted, I helped the poor, I paid for the ills medications, I gave scholarships to the orphans. Why is this my retribution? I was a good man. That is why I said, there is God and this God is fair[?] If that is not the case, then there is no God. The retribution is too much at times. Imagine, I have to fight Iblis for 15 years. No doubt I won but 15 years? What is worse than that? No doubt it is due to the mental illness. However, when it happened I could not differentiate what was real and what was induced by the illness. To me, I was raising the army of djinns, demons, and angels to fight Iblis and his cohorts. Therefore I attest I did battle Iblis and won. No doubt, the cure was an ECT but that is beside the point. I am the Undefeatable.
It is my intention to win this fight through and through. I am a fighter. I don't intend to fizzle like a burned-out fuse. My intention is to end my life with a bang. I am God to Sparta 4964, I cannot quit halfway. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. This I know. The marathon had taught me a lesson in resilience. You can only fight as well as you train - Miyamoto Musashi. Come the day of my demise, it will be VIVA forever. Now is the buildup process to get there. I know without a doubt I will be successful. Why not? If I can win over Iblis, I can win over anything. I will stake my claim on my Kingdom Come. Something that I deserve for Obeying and Obeying 7:7 (Al A'raf Chapter 7 Verse 7).
After all has been said and done, the mind is the end all and be all. What I can imagine is already real to me. I am the Man on the Silver Mountain. I shall prevail. As for my stake as the God of Sparta 4964, I will indeed make the claim to this presumably fair God Almighty. That is why I believe my consciousness will endure. I had envisioned three lifecycles after this life on Earth. They are Sparta 4964, the White Space, and the Void. I had surpassed all boundaries to the very end. It is an infinite loop. The end is the beginning and the beginning is the end.
In the end, the whole creation is on the same footing. No creation is superior to the other. We are all from this [] (same) cosmic ocean, the electromagnetic wave that existed for eternity. There is always something in Nothing. Nothing of Nothing is indescribable. It's like saying there is no witness. How can anybody attest? Therefore the Void is the Cosmic Ocean. That is the end and that is the beginning. We are steadily progressing to the source of Creation itself. Back to the form is form, and emptiness is emptiness.
And so, we end our soiree with a reminder from the great T.S. Eliot, "We never cease from exploration and at the end of the exploration to arrive at the same place, knowing it for the first time."
mm
No comments:
Post a Comment