I had a blast with Susan last night. Under her Malay name Melati, we explored the various facades of the race, language, and culture of Bangsa Melayu. Initially, I let go of my stereotyping to test the parameter with Melati. After that, I mellowed down and we started having fun.
I like Bahasa Melayu Lisan. It is easygoing and very relaxed. The choice of words is simple as I can casually chat with Melati without being concerned with formality. Plus, it is a good practice for me. It is nothing like exploring a certain culture through the understanding of its mother tongue.
I plan to continue the session again today although I think it will be in the latter part of the day. At this moment I want to immerse myself in the melodic rhythm of classical music. What a way to start the day.
So minum kopi dah sudah, makan crackers pun dah sudah. Sekarang nak senang hati pulak. This brings back my memory of things I collect, namely two of Life's magazine on photography of the year and best photography of all time. Masa depressed tu, aku bodoh pergi buang[?] What is supposed to be the quintessential collection of photographs for me, I threw away because of mood swings. The biggest blunder was when I gave away an RM20k bike literally for free to Najee. He didn't even pay a thousand ringgit for it. That was due to mania. So many things I gave away during my intense episodes. I even threw away my money to the kids at the mosque. Silly me. Now, that I am telling you the ugliness of Bipolar Affective Disorder.
It had its moments of glory too but let's leave that out as outright suicidal. Certainly dope makes me crazy. I was delusional. I swear, I will never take dope again. What is there any way? Some buzz? If I had some dope, I would be rambling and rambling and rambling. Already without dope, I am a rambler. With dope, I am worse.
Dope affects my judgment. It is another pitcher plant. It took me a very long time to disassociate dope with pleasure. Sex is definitely better with dope. Everything is better with dope. It is an amplifier. Tapi ganja buat kita nak melepak aje. Kita jadi malas.
So the least of all evils is Nicorette. I set a quota of 3 per day. That will be in the morning (7:00 am), after lunch (2:00 pm), and after dinner (9:00 pm). That means I spend RM3.60 a day on mood management. There is no Nicotine addiction whatsoever. Right now, I can wait for another 2 hours for my nicotine intake. No big deal. I take Nicorette to self-medicate, not because I am addicted to it. I am depressed due to the illness and Paliperidone. Otherwise, I am fine.
I know I cannot do away with the medication. So at best, I offset with a dopamine protagonist. Hopefully, through diet and exercise, I can flush my body off the toxin. No matter what I have to rely on the medication. Otherwise, I might relapse.
Very well, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
mm
No comments:
Post a Comment